Rantings of The Angry Blonde: Then & Now, my birthday, June 27th

A few days from today is my 47th birthday, but before I comment more about this birthday, I want to go back to another time in my life...

June 27, 2004...

I was turning 43 years old and living in Barnegat, NJ with Michael...or rather, Michael was living with me, it was my condo. It was not the greatest time in my life, in fact, it was probably one of the lowest points I have ever been. I was extremely depressed, severely obese at well over 350lbs and not knowing what I was going to do or where I was going in my life. I felt stuck, as if for some reason the cosmic forces destined me to be unhappy. You see, every single time that I thought "this was it, this time it's going to be good," just at that moment, it was like the powers-that-be would laugh in my face and snatch that happiness away and tell me "Nope, you can't have it yet"

I had met Michael almost 3 years earlier, I was hesitant at first, because he was 8 years younger then I was and because I really had no interest in having a boyfriend at that time. But, he was persistent and after chatting with him for a bit, I found him to be respectful, he made me laugh and I actually felt kind of sorry for him, because he told me about all the awful thing that were going on in his life and as he said a lot "things were always hard for him." I could relate to that statement...my entire life had been hard for me. Little did I know that he was a really good actor.

I found out that the reason "things were always hard for him," was because Michael caused them to be, while at the same time never taking responsibility for his own actions and instead, deciding that without a doubt, it was always someone else's fault...someone else always made him do the things that he did. For instance, the time he broke 2 fingers on my left hand, he told me that I pushed him into it....yeah, right, of course I did, I had the audacity to tell him that he had to pay his half of the rent and that I wouldn't support him any longer.

While Michael is another story for another day, I am telling you this because it is one of the many things that led me to where I am today and today is my day of celebration and of remembrance. There is so much more to tell of my relationship with Michael and I'll save most of it for another time, but will just touch on the events of that day in 2004.

Back on that dark day, there was no celebration, Michael had forgotten my birthday...he always said those things, including giving cards, weren't important to him. Hell, I send my friends and family cards just for the hell of it! I knew he had forgotten, because for the days and weeks leading up to it, there was absolutely no mention of my birthday and I refused to say anything, because I knew to do so would only cause me grief. At that time, my wish for myself was that Michael would find someone else and he would just leave. But that wish was never answered....and while he would often stay up all night trying to pick up women over the internet and having cyber sex on his webcam, I knew he would never leave.

That day there was a vintage car show close by and I told him that I wanted to go to it, he claimed he had no interest, so I said I would go alone. Well, of course, he'd never let me go anywhere by myself, so at the last minute he told me he would come with me. I suppose I should have felt honored, since he was leaving his computer to join me. Off to the car show we went and I brought my camera...it had been a long time since I had enjoyed taking photographs. Before meeting Michael, I was constantly photographing anything and everything, it was my passion, I could get lost for hours and make the world disappear when I started taking pictures.

When we arrived at the car show, he was visibly agitated to see that it was fairly small but he found a stage where a local radio station, WJRZ 100.1, was playing music and there girls on the stage dancing...so that kept his attention for a while. Unfortunately, they didn't play long enough for me to go through the entire show, photographing each car and probably 15 minutes after being there, he announced he was ready to go home. I told him I wasn't ready and he began to get loud, people were looking, so I started walking back to my car, telling him I would take him home and would come back by myself. I suppose that was unacceptable, because by the time we had gotten to my car, he said he would wait in the car for me. Now see...I've lived through that experience before, with him waiting in the car and it never had a pretty ending. It didn't matter if I was 30 minutes or an hour, he would be mad that I made him wait so long and that I was inconsiderate of him. I again told him no, and said that he didn't have to wait and I would just come back after I took him home....as we got into the car, he slammed the door...no, let me say that again....as we got into the car he SLAMMED the door, so hard I thought the window would break. And, so it started, he began to turn into the rage-aholic that I had come to know all too well. Telling me how I had ruined his day, how I was being selfish, how I was "quitting" on us...he said that a lot, always telling me that I was quitting on us. I told him that he had done this too me too many times and every time he would wait in the car somewhere for me, he would get mad, so this time I wouldn't make him wait and would take him home. That didn't stop him, the rage ensued and of course, I started crying. After about 10 minutes, he decided he was going to walk home and told me to go enjoy my show without him, if I didn't want to be with him. (Again, my fault and my quitting on us) He got out of the car and again slammed the door so hard that I truly don't know how the window didn't break.

At this point I was in tears, my make-up running down my face, and my contact lenses starting to cloud up from the salt in my eyes, and I was in no shape to go back to the show. I sat there for a few moments when my phone rang...it was him...like an idiot, I answered it, don't ask me why. Again, he started him, I ruined his day, I made him do this, I embarrassed him and so on. Up to this point, I never once said anything to him about today being my birthday, and I didn't want to, but I blurted it out and yelled "Nice way to treat someone on their birthday!" and then I hung up on him. A few moments later, I pulled out of the parking lot.

There he was, walking down Route 9, we were a good 15 miles away from my condo, he waved me down and I pulled over, don't ask me why...I don't know. Now, one would immediately assume that at this point, he would be very sorry and apologetic, but he got in the car and for a minute didn't say anything. I guess maybe that's why I pulled over, like an idiot I thought he would be apologetic, I wasn't very smart back then I suppose. As I'm driving, he begins what would end up turning into an 8 hour berating. Yes, I said 8 hours, non-stop berating about how I have some nerve being upset that he forgot my birthday and that I was uncaring because "things were so hard for him." There's that phrase again, things were always so hard for HIM.

If I just took it, without fighting back, it would usually stop, but today it didn't. He knew he was wrong, once again, but he never took responsibility for the things he did and instead, finding blame in someone else, or making up an issue about the other person, thus taking the attention of off him. If I did fight back, it would escalate and he would get right in my face, sometimes taking my wrists and squeezing them so hard I thought they would break...my wrists are very small and his hands would wrap right around them as he would hold me down to the bed, yelling at me. This wasn't a "hold me down to the bed" sexual thing....it was pure hate and rage. Even worse, it would escalate into my getting physically hurt, which is how I had gotten my fingers broken and my lip split open on more then one occasion.

That day, I just decided to not say anything to him, I learned it didn't really get me anywhere...for a long time, I thought I could use logic, common sense and rationalization with him, but I learned that was useless, then I thought I could show him that what he was doing was so very wrong, but it was again...useless. I also tried to get him to see that if he changed the way he thought, that he would see things differently...he was too set in his ways of thinking life had wronged him because he was in the Marines for 4 years, (stationed in Hawaii the entire time), that the world owed him something and that he should have the nice cars, the nice house, the job that paid $20 an hour, be able to go on vacation several weeks out of the year and more...he didn't understand why an employer didn't kiss his ass and give him all the things which he in his own mind, fully deserved. Here is where my logic came into play and I asked him "How would an employer know you are a hard worker, reliable and steady, when you haven't held any job for more then a few months at a time and you've gone months in between jobs?" His answer to this was his standard "WHATEVER!" that he would say when he knew I was right and he didn't have a valid argument.

My poor kitty Haley had different ideas and wasn't going to keep quiet. She was on the other side of that door scratching at it and crying and this is when Michael told me that he would kill the very thing that I loved more then anything, and that was Haley. It was unbelievable to me that he would threaten to hurt a poor defenseless animal just to get even with me...the man is truly psychotic. I wasn't hearing much of what he was saying to me during that verbal abuse session, I knew he was talking and I heard bits and pieces of his words, especially when he made that comment about Haley. and when he said that he was going to take a hammer to my car because I didn't deserve to have it. Michael had a problem with people who had nice things and when I first met him, I had just purchased a brand-new 2002 Trans Am Convertible...it was one of the last Trans Ams that Pontiac made. Michael was really jealous of that because it was an expensive car and it was a hot model...he seemed to forget that I hadn't traded my old car in, thinking I was going to keep it for driving when it snowed, but instead I had given it to him, since the reason he said he didn't have a job was that the transmission went on his car and he couldn't afford to fix or replace it.

Much of what else he said didn't really make it into my head...I was talking to myself. "I'm going to die if I stay here" I was saying, "he's going to kill me." I knew I had to get out and that day, I made a promise to myself and that promise was that I would not be in this situation for my next birthday. I didn't know how I was going to get out, but I knew that I had to, because if I didn't I truly was going to die. Michael's rage was growing by the day and every day he found another reason why someone had done him wrong and why his life was so hard. I became the outlet for his rage and I knew I would be seriously hurt and that he would follow through on his promise to kill Haley and trash my car.

While he was going on and on, it seemed like he was way off in the distance, even though he was only a few feet away from me, sitting on the floor, with his back up against the bedroom door. The only way I can describe it is that I was having something similar to an out-of-body experience. I heard him talking, heard bits and pieces, but I had blocked out most of it and was just talking to myself and wondering how I was going to get out, without being seriously hurt. That was the big question, how could I do this without being subjected to more of his wrath. I didn't have the answer for that.

Somewhere in the middle of his tirade, he stopped and left the house and while he was gone, I went and washed my face with cold water and just told myself over and over that there would be a way to get out and somehow I would find it. I comforted Haley and brought her back in the bedroom with me and locked the door behind us, I had no idea where Chelsea was, she was probably hiding somewhere. Chelsea had already been a victim of Michael's wrath at least once when he threw a clothes hanger at me but missed and instead hit Chelsea. Unfortunately, Michael came back and he came back with a birthday card, a stuffed animal and flowers... and when he found the bedroom door locked, he knocked on it, and he even remained calm, until I told him to leave me alone, then he picked the lock on the door, presented his gifts to me, while at the same time yelling because I was ungrateful and so his tirade continued.

He finally got tired and went to go and have his cybersex with some Woman, or someone he thought was a Woman. He never listened to my common sense about that either when I asked him how he knew it was a Woman on the other end of the computer, especially when they didn't have a webcam. Of course he knew, he said and when I would ask how, his answer was...you guessed it..."Whatever!"

A little over a week later, I found myself at my mother's home in Daytona Beach, Florida. Some personal business had come up that I needed to go and take care of, so I drove down to Florida to take care of it. While I was there, her pet sitting business suddenly because so busy she couldn't handle it, so she asked if I could stay for a couple of weeks and help out, so I did. I ended up being there until almost the end of July.

I had no idea that this would be the beginning of my keeping that first promise to myself and getting away from Michael and doing so safely. It was also the beginning of my life changing forever and becoming better than I had ever imagined....I have lost a tremendous amount of weight, to good old-fashioned way, with diet and exercise. Today, I am 145lbs, healthy, happier then I have ever been in my life, living in South Florida with my best friend and soulmate...he is the man that I always wished for, hoped for, but never thought existed and I am living the life that I had only dreamed of.

Please continue reading my story and you will see how I got to that dark place in my world and how I worked hard to change my life to what it is today...I want to show you that it is possible to turn your life around and I know that by reading my story, that I can and will help others change their lives as well.

Part 2 of my story can be found here:

Then & Now, Part 2

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My Birthday; June 27th; Then & Now, Part 2: Rantings of The Angry Blonde

The Angry Blonde

Fri Jun 27

17