My Birthday; June 27th; Then & Now, Part 2: Rantings of The Angry Blonde

This is Part 2 of my story...you can read Part 1 here: Rantings of The Angry Blonde: Then & Now, my birthday, June 27th

Part 2 talks about my journey of escaping that abusive relationship in NJ and moving to Florida.

While I was at my Mom's house in Daytona Beach for those few weeks, she could see how depressed I was and of course couldn't miss how much weight I had gained back. Prior to meeting Michael I had lost about 100 lbs, but during those few years I gained it all back...and then some. One night, Mom and I were standing in her kitchen talking and she asked me what I wanted out of life. I said to her "I want someone to just give me a chance and to see me for who I am inside, instead of making unfair judgments about me based strictly on what I look like outside." I continued by saying "I just want someone to give me the opportunity to prove myself and show them what I can do." I was talking about getting a job...I had been having no luck back in NJ and had tried starting my own consulting business, but the troubles with Michael put an end to that. I had signed a great client who needed a lot of help, but it's really hard to show up with broken fingers and split lips and still try to show that you are a professional.

My Mom knew that I needed to get away from Michael and she offered to let me stay with her in Florida until I got back on my feet. She told me that I would have to leave my cats though and I told her that I couldn't do that. I asked her how she would feel if someone told her that she had to leave her dog....there's no way in hell she would. Before I left to go back, she told me I could bring my cats after all if I decided to move to Florida. My only issue in moving in with her would be her living partner (ex-husband, my ex-step-father…that's a really long story). He'd done a lot of things to me and I wasn't sure I could stay there and get past those things, but on the other hand could I stay with Michael and survive…..I already knew the answer to that. Living in Florida with him and my Mom would be the lesser of two evils.

The entire time I was in Florida, Michael called me every day, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everything and claiming he wanted to make things right. At this point in our relationship, his words were just that...words...they had absolutely no meaning to them, because there was no sincerity behind them. I didn't believe a word he said and secretly hoped that while I was gone he would indeed find someone else...he had almost a month to do so without me in the picture. Unfortunately, I had to go back, if only because of my 2 cats.

Also, while I was gone, the Mother of one of my dearest friends had passed away..so, on July 25th, I headed back North to NJ, so I could be home in time for Nonie's memorial service. At that point, I still hadn't decided what I was going to do, but knew I had to do something.

I arrived home; Michael was all sweet and wonderful…for a few days anyway. I went to Nonie's memorial service, he refused to go with me, which was fine with me, I didn't really want him there anyway. It took all of 4 days for Michael to turn back into Mr. Abusive and for his hours and hours of lectures and berating to begin. It started with Chelsea bothering him for food one night and he went off on me, telling me how inconsiderate I was to leave him for 3 1/2 weeks to take care of my 2 cats.

And...so it began.

A few days later, I was at my girlfriends office, we were talking about her Mom and the memorial service and she expressed her concern about me, Anne could always read me so well. She always told me that the look in my eyes would always tell the truth about how I was and despite my always saying I was fine and things were good, she always knew differently. Up until that day, I had never confessed what Michael had been doing to me...basically, I was embarrassed to, but that day it all came out. As I sat there, telling her how my fingers had really gotten broken and why I'd had so many extended absences, she sat and listened. I ended with telling her that my Mom had given me a place to stay while I rebuilt my life, but told her that I didn't know how I was going to get away from Michael without getting physically hurt.

Anne's Mom had owned the condo I was renting, so with her passing, this meant that Anne and her sisters now owned the condo. With the wicked look in her eye that only Anne can have when she's really angry about something (and she was really angry at Michael after I confessed everything to her), she leaned across her desk, looked me in the eye and in a deep dark voice asked "Would you like an eviction notice?" So, there it was, my answer, Michael couldn't blame me for that and he couldn't take it out on me. As I sat there, we continued to talk and she typed the eviction notice.

That afternoon, I gave it to Michael and told him that we had to move...it took me a few more days before I had the courage to tell him that I had decided to move to Florida. I never had my hand on that eviction notice again...he took it and began to use it as proof of how "he was wronged" once again...now he could prove to whoever would listen to his lies about how life was hard for him. And believe me he did, he showed it to everybody, even strangers. One day a neighbor saw me tossing some things in the garbage and started talking to me…this neighbor had never said two words to me before, but as Michael was walking up to me he heard this guy ask if we were moving. Michael whipped out the eviction notice and said "I've been evicted!" OK…he'd been evicted, hell, it wasn't even his name on the lease, it was my condo, not his…and I don't really know what he expected from showing everyone the letter, I guess it was sympathy from people.

When I told him that I had decided to move to Florida, he asked where "we" were going to live...I had a house in Daytona, but sold it in early 2002, which he was fully aware of. Of course he was aware, I had used a large chuck of the proceeds to support him while he had excuse after excuse about why he couldn't find or keep a job. As with many things regarding Michael, that too is another story. When I replied that I was taking Chelsea and Haley with me and we were moving to Florida alone, that didn't go over so well...he again accused me of quitting on us. "Quitting on Us" was another phrase that he used repeatedly, I guess to try to guilt me into not doing whatever it was I was doing.

So, while I spent the next few weeks packing my things, he did absolutely nothing to find a place to live. Instead, he followed his usual patterns and would go to work, then come home and be on the computer the rest of the night, and well into the middle of the night. My guess is that he was now desperately trying to find someone else to live off of, but wasn't having much luck. I can only imagine what he was telling people about me...I know what he had said about his ex before me, who I came to believe had the same experiences with him as I did and she ended up either kicking him out, or having a restraining order on him. Sometime during the middle of August, I made a quick 4 day trip to Florida and brought my 2 cats to my Mom's house, before returning to NJ to get the rest of my things. I didn't trust that Michael wouldn't fly into a rage and hurt them as a way to get even with me.
As the end of August drew near, he once again became his sweet self and begged me not to leave, even getting on his knees begging and promising that he would make things better. I told him no, I said I needed to do this for myself.

I was supposed to leave NJ on September 1st, but instead, ended up rushing and packing the last few things, leaving a lot behind for Anne to sell for me and headed south. My mother had been taken to the hospital; having mysteriously lost a lot of blood…they were still trying to find out why when I got the call. So, I left NJ and drove the 17 hours straight through and went directly to the hospital. It was August 29, 2004…this is an important date, at the time I didn't know it was, but fate was already in the works to change my life.

I was in Florida for about 6 weeks when mid-October, Anne called me and told me she had a medical issue that required immediate surgery and asked if I could help her out. She called on a Saturday and I left for NJ on Monday. No one knew how to operate Anne's company 100% except for me and she needed me to run her business for her and help out at home when I could. She had her surgery the week after I arrived and I stayed in NJ until December 1, 2004. When I got back to Florida, the pet-sitting business was crazy, Mom was swamped and I jumped right in to help her. We were both going back and forth at all hours of the day, but it was good, it kept my mind off my troubles.

After the holidays were over, I decided it was time to get my life back under control. Michael had really done a number on my head and I was severely depressed. It wasn't that he had gotten to me in that I believed him when he told me it was my fault that he did the things he did to me…it was more that I was beating myself up for letting it happen in the first place when I should have sent him packing when he first showed the rage inside of him. But, the important thing now was that I was free of him and was moving forward with my life.

I decided to start a weight loss plan, once again, but this time I felt different about things and I made a conscious decision to not let anyone or anything get in the way of my success. I had lost a large amount of weight twice before and both times let life's circumstances get to me and I gained it back, NEVER really keeping it off for any length of time.

January 5, 2005, was the day that I started the journey that I continue to this day. I weighed in at 354 lbs, which is an awful lot of weight for a 5ft female. But, that wasn't even my highest ever weight, which I recall being recorded at 389lbs…however, I have no doubt that at some point, I was even much more then that, probably into the 400's.

It's been 3 ½ years since that day and during that time, I've lost more weight then I have ever before and I'm still losing. I used to laugh when people said that the last 10lbs was the hardest to lose…I've got to tell you, it is THE HARDEST to lose!! I've been struggling to lose 20 lbs for the last few months and am now just under 10 lbs away from where I want to be. I have gone from a size 6XXXXXX or 34/36 to wearing a pair of jeans that are a size 6 and they're baggy on me…I am slowly slipping into a 4. My waist size has shrunk from 76inches to 32inches.

I'm very proud of myself and very proud that I didn't take the easy way out. Sure, I could have had some sort of weight loss surgery; such as the gastric bypass or the lap-band, but that was never an option for me…I never even considered it. And, I'm glad I didn't because there are so many complications involved in that and the people who do, yes, they may lose weight, but it's because they're forced to eat only a tiny bit of food at a time. I've learned not only how to eat, but I actually ate more food and more often then I had before…if I had to say I struggled with anything during my weight loss, it was with eating all of the food that I needed to eat to get my metabolism going.

Today is my birthday, and today marks 4 years since that day that Michael had me locked in my bedroom. Today is the day that I made good for the first time on a promise I had made to myself. I've kept many more promises to myself since that day back in 2004, the most important one is to remain focused on myself. When I was putting everyone else before my needs, I wasn't taking care of myself and now, by taking care of myself first, I've learned that I don't have to stop taking care of others either, but I can't let anything stop me from achieving my goals, because if I do, then I won't be any good to anyone else either.

Part 3 of my Then & Now series, can be found here: Then & Now, Park 3; Growing up The Fat Kid

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	Rantings of The Angry Blonde: Then & Now, my birthday, June 27th	The Angry Blonde	Mon Jun 23	31
	Then & Now, Part 3; Growing up as "The Fat Kid", More Rantings of The Angry Blonde	The Angry Blonde	Thu Jul 3	10